This is a difficult post to write. It's been dwelling in my soul for a few weeks. People keep telling me that I need to keep track of my story. Being able to describe what has been going on in our lives through this fire. This fire has been life changing. Not just because we are starting over, but because it started something of a love affair between me and Jesus. Jesus who has pursued me for years and I was foolish, selfish and thought that this earth would quench my thirst. I have tried it all. Anything that would fill the void that was missing. We are made to be with our creator. He loves us so much. Not one is good enough. Not one. But still He gave. He gave us His only son. Jesus died so I can live. I have heard this my whole life, but did not understand. Until now.
I was raised somewhat in the church. I tried to be good, I really did. I tried to behave and then it got hard, so I tried to not behave. This life that had no purpose. This life that I thought was my own. Then He grabbed me. Stirred my heart. I was obedient. I did what He asked even when I thought I would lose my husband. I thought I was going to lose what I had tried so hard to push away for a long time. I had finally stopped hating my sweet sweet husband. I had finally realized I wanted to be married to him. Then I prayed a prayer. In church I prayed a prayer for Boldness, and the Holy Spirit convicted me right down to depth of my selfish soul. I literally sat in my room at 2am and cried out to God. Why are you asking me to do this. Anything but telling him these things. He will hate me. He will never forgive me. But God knows. He knew before. He knows after. He knows always. I want to do Jesus justice. I want this post to relay what a defining moment this was in my life. This was not some "born again" say a little prayer, feel good for a few days event. THIS HAS CHANGED MY LIFE. I would welcome my house burning to the ground every day for the rest of my life if it pleased my savior.
I want everyone to have this freedom. The freedom that letting Christ be in control of your life brings.
I obeyed. I told Josh. I prayed and cried and asked forgiveness. And you know what happened? He forgave. My husband is an extraordinary man. He is a follower of Christ. He was much more a follower of Christ than me. He knows what it means to truly forgive. He always has. His best qualities are my worst. I think that is what makes us work sometimes. This might not seem like a big deal. So you had to tell your husband some stuff, so what? Here is the kicker people. He asked me exactly 1 year ago to tell him and I lied. Lied and deceived for 1 year. Let that sit with you for a moment. If the person you loved more than anything lied to you for a year and came up out of the blue, just when things were the BEST they had ever been, and wrecked it. How would you feel. Well I can tell you that it was not pretty. He was mad. But it was not the end. It was the beginning.
I finally had found freedom. It was like everything made since to me. I wrote my Pastor a letter. I poured out my heart to my best friend. I poured my heart out to Josh. I repented to God and asked for forgiveness. I asked Him to reveal how to lead other people to Christ. I asked about what my ministry would be. All I want to do is serve God. Lead people to Christ. I'm telling you your life will change. It will be the most fun you have ever had. EVER.
My house burned to the ground two weeks later. I was at work and got the phone call. I drove home in a fit of hysteria. I stood by my man and watched my house burn. Our whole lives worth of stuff gone in 3 hours. And during that time with our family standing at our side, I knew we would be ok. My pastor came over and he said to me "you prayed for boldness, you just didn't know that this is what God had planned." And that is correct. I did not know what God had planned. But He did. The aftermath has been more overwhelming and emotional than the actual event. God has shown off. (As one of my dear friends said) We have received so much love and support from more people than you would believe. Our life group came together that night. They provided pajamas and stuffed animals for my girls. They stood by our sides at the fire. They cried with us. They prayed with us. My family provided money, food, clothing, time, prayers and support. We have had complete strangers give us gift cards. We have had friends that we have not seen or talked to in years stop by the house with money and gift cards to help us. My job and my husbands job took up collections. Collections that you would NEVER believe could happen. God has really shown up. He is real every single day in our lives. He has provided us above and beyond. He is always faithful even when we are not. I just can't describe the love that we have been shown. These words don't do it justice.
We don't know what is to come. We are praying continually for guidance. We are praying that we make this about what God wants and not what we want. We pray that we will obey even when it gets hard. I want my girls to see what it means to be a Follower of Christ. Even when it's not popular or cool. I want to share Christ with you. I want Christ to give you a peace that passes understanding, just like He has given me.
Here is the verse that has been in my regular thoughts. I think it constantly.
For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control. 2Timothy 1:6-7
